Things I've Learned

The last 5 years have been a challenging time and I’ve learned a lot of things.  I thought I’d share some of the things I’ve learned….maybe someone can learn something from this list. 
1.        Pediatric cancer sucks.  Yes, I think I’ve shared my thoughts on this one before so I may be cheating a little with it on the list.
2.       Losing a child is one of the hardest things that parents and sisters can ever experience.  It was truly amazing how peaceful it was when Jenna left us….it was just a feeling in the room that can’t be explained.  The harder days would come later.  (fyi – ok to ask parents about a child’s passing if you want to know…what happened, etc)
3.       People do not know what to do or how to act around you for quite a while.  No one knows what to say so they just hug you and ask you how you’re doing….and then you end up being the person who comforts them.  There are no magic words that will make it better.  Sometimes just being there is enough and no words are needed…or just saying “I don’t know what to do or say” is enough.
4.       Some people don’t “get” that grief is a process and it takes a while to go through it.  It doesn’t just get better or “go away” when it’s the loss of a child.  Some people were with us really strong for the first year but after that they just move on and don’t acknowledge the loss or the grief.  And then we have the folks who have been with us since the very beginning and haven’t left our sides at all.  There are some hurts from people “disappearing” but you have to let it go and move on.  My mantra of “it is what it is” has to kick in and you realize again that “people just don’t get it”.
5.       Prayer is crucial.  There is no way we could still be standing and functioning without it.  (God's grace obviously at work!)
6.       Husbands and wives do not grieve the same way.  Things that make me sad don’t necessarily have the same impact on hubby.  A lot of parents who lose children end up divorced because they drift apart in their own grief versus moving together and understanding they grieve differently.
7.       People tend to reach out to the mother more frequently than the father….normal behavior but the daddy’s need support too.
8.       Nothing can take away the bond of sisters….its always there.
9.       Grief comes in stages or seasons.  Some years December is harder than others and some years it’s June that’s hard.  You just never know.  I’ve learned you just have to go with it and ride out the waves.  If you try fighting it and holding it inside, it only gets work.
10.   Seeking outside help/therapy is a very good thing.  If nothing else, it can convince you that you’re not going crazy.
11.   The 2^nd year was so much harder than the first year.  I think you prepare yourself to go through all of the “firsts” and you don’t realize you have to keep doing those things again and again.
12.   Jenna’s friends are wonderful!  They reach out, they do things in her memory and they are turning into some of the most awesome people.  They make our hearts happy. 
13.   A little thing like seeing friends still wearing their “Jenna’s Legacy of Smiles” bracelets means so much.  We realize there will be a day when they don’t, and it is totally OK…but for now it’s just really neat to us.
14.   It’s always ok to talk to us about anything regarding Jenna.  Her time here, her illness, her passing and especially her smile.

Ok, that’s probably enough and more than people wanted to read. 

I do need to say that I feel blessed to have a great support system and so much love from some really wonderful people.   I find that different people offer different kinds of support at different times and it just seems to be what I need.  God puts the right people in your path for the times you need it most.   Thank you friends!  You are all loved so much.
Tricia